Important memo – please read


To:       Miss E and Mr A

From:     Young Mummy

Subject:  Apology for absence


Dear Miss E and Mr A

I felt it proper to bring to your attention my absence this evening. I have an scheduled meeting with my NCT girlfriends that urgently requires my presence. This appointment may well require me to indulge in a quantity of alcoholic beverages, in all likelihood the largest number of alcoholic beverages consumed since discovering that you had taken up residence in my tummy. I am also compelled to dress in non-baby-friendly attire, including a bra without flaps and shoes of the high-heeled variety.

There are a number of requests that I would like to bring to your attention, in relation to the above social engagement:

1) Please be nice to Young Daddy while I am out. Yes, Miss E, I know you don’t like him to give you your bottle at 11pm, but perhaps tonight would be a nice time to give up the fight.
2) If at all possible, it would be highly appreciated if you could sleep from 11pm until 8am (or later, should you wish). If these terms are not acceptable to you, I will agree a compromise - Miss E you can sleep through, and Mr A you should embark on a quiet and screamless feed at 4am, down your bottle in five minutes, immediately offer a resounding burp, and let me/Young Daddy settle you back to sleep in your cot without any fuss.
3) It is unreasonable to start the day before 7am at the earliest. So please don’t.
4) Noise levels in the Young household should be kept to an absolute minimum. It’s possible that Mummy’s meeting might have left her with a headache so your sensitivity to her pain would be welcomed.
5) Mummy has arranged entertainment for you for the day. Grandpa will be in attendance to pass you any toys you require, read you your Shimmering Dinkies book and generally smile and pull funny faces at you. I strongly advise you not to ask him to sing as it may cause lasting damage to your hearing. Don’t panic, Mummy will still be here, but she will be playing more of a back-seat role.
6) Please cease production of exploding poos for the day, as this may cause Mummy’s face to take on a undesirably green hue.

I thank you both in advance for your understanding and patience in the above matters.

Yours gratefully

Young Mummy xxx

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